I AM AWESOME AT PROCRASTINATION

No, seriously, I am. It's 4:30 AM, and instead of writing my paper that I was very luckily granted an extension on, I'm talking to Kaycie, listening to Pandora, fucking around on PSC, checking my email every 2.5 seconds, writing a blog, and NOT WRITING MY PAPER.

My roommate is kind of annoying me...
No more on that.


I don't know. This is a nonsense post. Pretend it doesn't exist.

-K.

Friends vs. Sisters

So, this morning, as the hangover started kicking my ass and last night's fatigue set in, I woke up to smiling Christiana above my head, saying "Sweetie, we let you sleep as long as we could, but we have to go. Just letting you know". I wandered into her bedroom like it was my own, kicked off her shorts that I slept in, and put back on the clothes I was wearing before informal formal. And as I walked back to my dorm with Christi, Sarah, and Lexi, I started to think about the differences between friends and sisters.

A friend will be bummed that you're missing an event because you have nothing to wear. A sister will say "No! You're coming! And you're getting ready at my house.
A friend will keep you drinking when you're drunk. A sister will take your beer and tell you you're done.
A friend will let you flirt with a terrible guy, and probably post pictures on Facebook. A sister will make you dance with her instead.
A friend might hold your hair back while you puke. A sister will threaten to take pictures, and you know she might be completely serious.
A friend will make sure you get back to your room safe at night. A sister informs you that you are sleeping on her couch, whether you want to or not.
A friend will laugh when you get pantsed in public. A sister is the one doing it.
A friend will lie to you and tell you that you look good when you don't. A sister will tell you the truth.
A friend will send you to get food for you guys. A sister will stalk you for food.
A friend will leave you alone to do homework. A sister will sit with you in the TECH til 4 am with you, even though, for all intents and purposes, they're sleeping at the computer.
A friend might agree with your views on something. A sister will debate with you when the sun comes up.
A friend rarely shows too much affection. A sister is stumbling drunk, hugging you, and telling you how much she loves you - but we do that sober too.
A friend will expect you to look nice when going out. A sister accuses you of overdressing if your clothes are all clean.
For your friends, sometimes, you have to fake it til you make it. For your sisters, you can finally be yourself. <3

So that's it. Basically, being in a sorority, despite the amount of stress it gives me, has also taught me so much about friendship. The girls I have in my life now are some of the most incredible women in the world. Multa corda, una causa. <3

I've Been Delinquent with My Blogging

Sorry. College, as it turns out, is a major time-suck.

18 days until NaNo '08. -gasp- I hope I can do it. I'm nervous.

I love Alicia + Ariana [next door neighbors], but they need to stop blasting music while I'm watching The Breakfast Club.

Thursday night, I got hurt playing soccer. Friday morning, I found out it was a sprain. I got crutches + an Ace bandage for two weeks. Can't wait for October 24th.

I miss home. I want to go, either to W-B or Reading. Just..I'm so busy. I want a weekend off so bad. I want to sleep in a bed that's big, with a kitty or a doggy. I want to hug my BFFs [HALEY]. I want Panera Bread + Target + BandN all in the same hour. Basically, I'm homesick.

Fuck.

I watched the entire fourth season of House yesterday + I had forgotten how much the season finale made me cry, until I watched it again. Like, literally, laying in bed, crying my eyes out, over a TV show. Pathetic? Perhaps.

This is wayyy too random.

XO,
K

Fuck My Life?

Basically.

Today, the ethernet jack in my dorm room broke, which means I can't access the internet in my dorm room until maintenance fixes it. And God only knows how long that will take. At least I can still get the net in the TECH center, but it's a lengthy walk from my dorm and I'm really not happy about spending a couple hours a day here to do my homework [most of my professors have our assignments online, so that's that].

I guess life is going well otherwise. I've gotten into a really good routine with classes, and I'm finally comfortable calling Philly my home. Things with AEPhi are going really well too. I'm so glad I'm pledging that sorority - all the girls are amazing and I feel as though I'm clicking with them really well so far. I'm also meeting a lot of new people, which means I rarely go anywhere on campus without seeing anyone I know. It's really nice. I already know what classes I want to take next semester as well: Introduction to Criminal Justice [which I'm technically retaking, since TU didn't take my credits from King's], Introduction to Criminal Law, Italian Language 2, Mosaic 1, and probably my Gen Ed arts requirement, which will either be Creative Acts [if it's available, because it's usually not] or a theater class. College is great, really.

Oh, and NaNoWriMo starts in 32 days. -GASP- I'm nervous about doing it while classes are going on and whatnot, but I always appreciate a challenge. Wish me luck!!!!

XO,
K

Somebody Has Yummy Smelling Food!

I want some. If I ask nice, I think they'll give it to me. If they don't, I'll just kick their ass. It smells really good.

I hate Mathematical Patterns. It's stupid. It's ridiculous. All I do is go on the net and AIM and text and stuff. I LEARNED THIS CRAP IN PRE-ALGEBRA.

If Rebecca does not stop reading over my shoulder in the next 5.4 seconds, I'm gonna cut her. I only wrote that because I know that she knows that I know I am watching her. :) Or something like that.

So college is pretty chill so far, I guess, I've met some pretty sweet people and done some fun stuff. It's not as crazy as I thought it would be. It's a lot of studying, but it's chill.

I miss my friends back home - Haley, Bri, Em, Jenn, and Sabrina - and my other friends at other colleges - especially K-Town, who's all the way out in flipping OHIO.

IF THE GUY NEXT TO ME DOES NOT STOP CRACKING HIS GUM SOON, I AM GOING TO KNOCK HIS TEETH RIGHT DOWN HIS THROAT. IT'S DRIVING ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRAZY. Rebecca's teeth are also getting knocked down her throat =]

BTW, Rebecca's mom = fabulous cook. APPLESAUCE AND FUDGE FTW.

This is so random it's ridiculous.


Only 1 hr and 15 minutes until math is over :)

I'm freaking outttt....

I go to college TOMORROW.
Tomorrow night, I'll be sleeping in my dorm.
On September 2, I'll have to be in totally unfamiliar classes with unfamiliar people.

I'm spazzing.
I never thought I'd be scared, but I am.
I'm going to miss my friends + family.
But this is an adventure.

I'm not going to Meyers tomorrow morning...instead, I am going to Temple.
Rock on.

"Don't worry about being scared. Most things in life worth doing are scary. Do them anyway."
-A Very Intelligent Woman :)


All my Love,
K

This is What I Needed To Read Tonight:

I don’t remember how far back the E.R. episodes with Sherry Stringfield ran, but I loved watching her character and following her storyline. One of the most emotional seasons involved Sherry’s younger sister Chloe, a drug addict, suddenly showing up out of nowhere with her little baby girl. Sherry takes her sister and the baby in and lets them live with her. She and the baby develop a bond, born mostly out of her sister’s continual absence as she resumes her drug habit. Eventually, Chloe splits, and Sherry files for adoption. All is going smoothly, until Chloe shows up again, stating that she is recovered and that she wants her baby back. There is a heart rending scene at the end of that episode, in which Sherry sits alone in her apartment, talking to herself. One of the things she said impacted me to the point that I wrote it down in my journal. It was this: “You can’t try to be happy. It either comes or it doesn’t.”

I think this is true with writing as well. I just had a wonderful day working on my new book - after three days of nothing at all. Today the words and sentences and paragraphs came out of my fingertips like water, with almost no effort. Yesterday, and the two days before that, I stared at the screen, typed a few words, erased them, typed up a paragraph, erased it, stared at the screen, and then turned the computer off and went for a run. I don’t think you can try to write, the same way you can’t try to be happy. It’s an organic thing, inside us, that either comes or doesn’t.

The hard part is trusting that even when the words don’t come, they will.

Eventually.

So, I didn't write this, but someone pretty important to me did. And since I'm having such trouble with my novel lately, this really helped. I'm just going to be patient now -- when the words want to write themselves, they will.

To CG: Thanks for helping. <3

FORGOT MY PASSWORD?

Yeah, it's been that long since I blogged. I'm a little bit ashamed of myself. Geeeeez. I was sitting at the login screen going "SHITDAMNFUCK!? WHAT'S MY PASSWORD?!!!". I finally remembered it, but I swear to God, my heart stopped.

So I've basically been Miss Lack of Communication this August. But, I've been ridiculously busy. In five days, I move into Temple University [and yes, I'm terrified], so I've been prepping for that all month. I have:
-Shopped.
-Paid my tuition [!]
-Tried to find a job.
-Quit Little Flower Manor.
-SURVIVED AUGUST 13TH [=)]
-Got ANOTHER tattoo.
-Shopped some more.
-Wrote two paragraphs of my novel.

That last bullet point there makes me cringe. I've had this idea since May, but I have no idea how to make it come into fruition. I've had my moments [hours, days, months] of self-doubt. I've told myself time and time again that MAYBE this isn't for me, that MAYBE I really can't do it. But then I got pissed off, cried my eyes out, ate a popsicle, and stared once again at my one page of text. Then the circle repeated. It's obviously not going well.

I've also determined that college textbooks are far too expensive + that people in general [minus my amazing friends and some other great people] suck.

I'm sick right now. I think I have the flu [in August, go figure!] so I need sleep.

BUT BASICALLY, THAT'S IT :)

LOVEEEE

I'm Writing Now...

Woooooo!!! Finally!!!


Panera Bread helps me think, so here I am, writing The Great American Novel =]

Happy August =]

AUGUST RESOLUTIONS:

1. Stop being scared about college.
2. Start writing my novel.
3. Be happy.
4. Hang out with my friends lots before I leave.
5. Tattoo on August 13th <3.
6. MAKE SURE KNOEBEL'S IS KICKING <3

I Try to Live With No Regrets...

But there are some days when I wish I could go back and change everything. I miss how my life used to be....

So You're Probably Sick of Hearing About My Butterfly Obsession...

But I'm droning on about it anyway.

Picture this: I'm lounging in the Embassy Suites hot tub [which is entirely too hot, if you can believe it] reading this chick lit novel called "Flirting With Forty" by Jane Porter. So usually not my cup of tea, but eh, it cost me ten cents at a church bazaar, and for that price, who's gonna argue? Anyway...yeah, I'm more into hardcore brainy thrillers [think "Digital Fortress" by Dan Brown] but I decided to read this book anyway. As it turns out, the book isn't half bad. It's actually got some sincere moments of wit, but it's mostly too "lovelovechickychickyblaaahhh" for me. But I always finish books. God, I'm a rambler. So I'm a little more than halfway through this monstrosity [just kidding, it's really an okay book], and I come across this:

"I'm not a caterpillar in a little cocoon anymore. I've broken out. If I follow the analogy, I'm a butterfly now. But what I don't understand is how in the hell did my caterpillar body become that of a butterfly? How did that fuzzy thick green body become long and slender with wings? And even if I don't understand how the caterpillar metamorphosed, the fact is, I am different now. I've got these big wings."

Well, you people know me. You know how I feel about butterflies. But THIS...it truly captures EXACTLY how I feel. How did I become so beautiful? How did I turn into this perfect little person when I feel so IMperfect. It's a pretty good ponderance. I don't exactly have an answer, and maybe I'm really not supposed to. Maybe we're not meant to know things like this.

Just a little something to think about =]

XO,
Kerry

I Miss You Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I'll be home soon! =]



And I'll actually be able to use MySpace, since this stupid SiteKiosk excuse for an internet provided by Embassy Suites won't let me on it =P



I'm tired.

Updatesssss

Soo hi! It's been a pretty long time since I've given that fun little insight into the life of me. So here's what's going on:

1. On July 21, I'm going to Williamsburg, VA for a week. I will be partying it up at Busch Gardens + Water Country USA. I'm fricken excited.

2. I am NOT going to see Secondhand Serenade on August 12th, because my car sucks.

3. I AM going to Knoebels on August 16th with Jenn. Yessss. [P.S. I'm pretty glad I met/got closer to that girl. She's thoroughly bitchin']

4. On August 27th, I am moving into Hardwick Hall, room 460. It's time for college. My roommate seems nice. I can't wait to meet her. Hopefully, we'll be friends =].

5. I have NOT started writing my novel yet. I am a slacker.

6. I have decided that during spring semester of my junior year, I am studying abroad in Rome. I am taking Italian to show my seriousness.

7. I am single. Perpetually =].

8. I love the outdoors....even though I'm allergic to it.

9. Goodbye =]

You Know You've Been on a GSLC Youth Retreat When: [By Kerry + Amanda]

-You know what the word marshmallow means + that it has nothing to do with food.
-You've corrupted a pastor -- and you liked it.
-You know that green tea in the morning can be the saving grace of the entire group.
-You've seen Amanda so drugged she couldn't even run a service.
-You've, at some point, hung your clothes from rafters or in front of fireplaces.
-You know that everything that goes down goes down at "church camp" and you appreciate the irony in this.
-You can name at least two group members that will streak at some point during the weekend.
-You know that, inevitably, someone will forget pajamas.
-You know the agony of "toilet duty" and how to NOT get on Mr. + Mrs. B's bad side.
-You know and respect the original BCC Crew. [REPRESENT!]
-You are in love with Hobart + you have fought over dish duty.
-You've seen somebody get chased with an uprooted tree -- by their father.
-You've seen your life flash before your eyes while crossing the suspension bridge.
-For one weekend, you forget all aspects of looking beautiful.
-You know that if you don't eat your vegetables, Mrs. B. will NOT let you eat dessert.
-The song "Rise and Shine" raises the hair on the back of your neck.
-You don't know the descant to "Sanctuary", but you have heard Amanda, Kerry, and Becky sing it on several occasions.
-You know all the movements to every Grease song.
-Phantom of the Opera has a whole new meaning.
-You get in line last for meals, because you know that "the last shall be first, and the first shall be last".
-You know that Pam + Amanda are possibly the most anal people on Earth.
-You get used to getting up an extra twenty minutes earlier just so you can have the first - and therefore, the hottest - shower.
-You know that some people are just TOO happy in the mornings and should be avoided at all costs.
-You know which people will forgo showering for the weekend, and you avoid them.
-You know how to cook regardless of your age, because otherwise, you won't eat.
-You realize that if you don't know how to play ping-pong, then you'll get bored very quickly.
-Handheld video games are practically the work of the devil.
-There is NEVER a cell phone signal in Bear Creek.
-You know not to play Bull when somebody's sitting on the top bunk.
-You've seen your pastor sleep with a doll.
-The "What happens here, stays here" policy is the greatest thing you ever heard because you know you can basically do whatever you want and your parents will never hear about it.
-You've sang songs from Rent in a church service.
-You've told someone to "shut up and let the choir members do the singing".
-You know what "Jesus Juice" is.
-You've been given a lesson in world hunger that you'll never forget.
-You've written, produced, and acted in several skits.
-Raising your hands and shouting "Wooohooo!" in a Lutheran service is perfectly acceptable to you.
-You know what it's like to go a weekend without shaving and you know how to hide that fact as well.
-You've worn "community clothes".
-Hair brushing is optional...tooth brushing is not.
-You've lifted several times your weight in either firewood or garbage.
-You know everything that everyone is allergic to, because you've seen them exposed to it in the course of a weekend.
-You know Guy's real age, and you don't believe it.
-You know which men are "mommies" and which men are "daddies".
-You know that it's better to not ask what happens in the boys' cabin.
-You know that there will be pictures taken of you while you are eating, sleeping, sitting, or walking and you don't even care anymore.
-You've snuck off or seen other people sneak off to make out.
-You know by Saturday morning who will piss Mr. + Mrs. B. off and be stuck on toilet duty.
-You know Amanda is the ONLY person allowed to wake Kerry and Pastor Janell.
-You realize that people outside of the GSLC Youth Group will never understand why we put ourselves through this.
-You know the Turkey Trail leads to everywhere.
-You know that if you get lost, nobody's going to look for you, so you might as well find a stream and follow it back.
-You know that even though the advisers send out a list of what to pack, you'll forget something.
-You know to leave the bathroom light on at night, even though 98% of people in the cabin want it off.
-You know who's going to bring inappropriate music + of what nature it will be.
-You know that someone will run outside barefoot + get screamed at by 10 different people.
-You hate when you have to share the camp with another group.
-You know that the BCC Original Crew has had the same bed for years, and they will not give them up.
-You had to stay in the retreat house one time, and you remember when the boys knocked over the bunk beds.
-Ice cream night is when God comes to Earth.
-You get sick of "appropriate" movies and anything Disney pisses you off.
-You're irritated with the Kids in Action by Saturday night because they never let you run off + be bad.
-You know that Amanda is the only person that won't rat you out if she catches you doing something bad.
-Hikes are not just hikes -- it's where everything goes down. This is facilitated by the fact that small children are not allowed on hikes.
-You know at least one couple that either formed or ended at Bear Creek Camp.
-You know that the newbies won't last.
-You think the whole concept of bringing friends along is ridiculous, because they just don't get it.
-You rarely go home with the clothes you came with.
-You know it's always 20 degrees colder at camp, and you know you have to dress appropriately.
-You hope you get snowed in at camp.
-You've seen a family of wild turkeys + wondered how they'd taste.
-You've attempted to pick something poisonous.
-You know that the same songs are sung on the Youth Retreats, during the Palm Sunday Procession, and at every Sunday School Event ever, but you still use the songsheet.
-You know that group pictures always happen on Sunday morning.
-If you don't stay the whole weekend, then you were clearly never there.
-You think people who don't stay the whole weekend are "wimping out". No matter what.


AND LAST:

-YOU NEVER FORGET THE YOUTH RETREATS.
-

Ah, Little Flower Manor...

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

Just kidding. 9/10 of the time, my job sucks. But sometimes it doesn't.


ANYWAY...
I have crush on someone new...







Damn my silly little emotions...

GAH

Have you ever just wanted to scream? Like, so loud that all the windows shatter? That's how I feel right now. And I don't exactly know why.

SIX MONTHS TIL CHRISTMAS!!!

Which means 5 months + 27 days until I turn 19. YAY. Whatever. Anyway...

Today I was contemplating what I really wanted in life after Ann mentioned that it was indeed six months til Christmas. As I slopped some Ensure Plus on the counter [occupational hazard of LFM] and wiped it up with what I'm sure is one of the planet's more disgusting rags, I sighed and wiped my hands on my black apron and pulled a Sharpie out of the front pocket. As I was labeling cups [Ne+, He+, NR, HR, NHS, HHS, etc., etc.] I sighed as Steve walked past me. And as this whole colorful scene went down, I thought about what I wanted. So here's the list:

1. Steve. Yeah, I still miss him. Whatever.
2. A pink BlackBerry Pearl 8130.
3. A 32 GB iPod Touch.
4. A new car.
5. To have my college education completely paid for.
6. A grilled cheese [they were cooking, they smelled good, I was living in the moment].
7. A lifetime supply of Ben + Jerry's Cinnamon Buns ice cream.

Give me those things + I'll marry you.

<3

Meaning?

I don't know why I'm feeling how I am right now, because I know feeling this way is ridiculous. So what, my plans fell through. Shit happens. I know it's because I miss Steve, and I know that it's because of me falling so hard + so fast for him. He really makes me smile + when I kiss him, all is right with the world. And I want to spend time with him. A LOT of time. So sue me. God, I get annoying sometimes. I'm so annoying that I literally can't stand myself. Why am I "one of those girls" that wants to be with a guy all of the time. I've prided myself on being independent for my entire life, but I doubt that it's true.

Whatever, I'm done ranting.

Anyway, in the 24 hours that I've had my tattoo, I'm getting TONS of questions, the most prevalent being "Why a butterfly? That's SoOoO cliche!" Yeah, trust me, I know that the butterfly is probably the most common tat design, especially for females in my age group. But a butterfly holds so much personal meaning for me, and the design itself [that being a butterfly getting nectar from a flower while another flower is just kind of there] is also something that I wanted to express through my body art. To me, butterflies symbolize not only beauty, but also freedom. Freedom from a past that was suffocating, like the cocoon state of a butterfly. They are wrapped so tightly, yet when the time is right, they are able to escape that state and become the beautiful creatures we know and love. This is so symbolic of myself in so many ways. I don't feel like going into detail here, but I have had so much to escape from in my past, and having a tattoo of a butterfly reminds me of my freedom + also of the person I have become: beautiful, with wings to spread + an amount of grace that allows me to fly. Also, this ties in with a beautiful book I have recently read, "The Patron Saint of Butterflies". Now, I know meaning is all a matter of interpretation [a year of AP Lit taught me at least that much], but this book's theme to me is one of growth, maturity + "good coming from bad". We learn from the past, and we all know that without the past, nobody's lives would be what they were in the present. Much like the butterfly, who without that dark cocoon stage would not the beautiful thing they are in the present. The image itself, the butterfly on the flower, is a reminder to relax, to stop and smell the roses every now and then, and to be patient, because everything is okay with time.

Because of this, I like to think of my tattoo as "non-cliche". But hey, I know there are always critics, and with critics, I gain a deeper understanding of myself. So life ain't bad.

By the way, here's a poem I wrote almost exactly two years ago to date. This post made me remember it, so now I'm sharing it with all of you. Here ya go:

"Rush down to me,"
These words I cry out
With a conviction previously unknown.
A different part of me unravels, this I see.
I pause before the world, do I let this show?
I wait, on the crest of a wave.
A bird longing to fly, though deemed not yet
Ready for the responsibility,
Still I know I am. Should I take this bet?
You're there,
Somewhere,
Though I don't know
Exactly where you came from.
I long for meaning, some kind of answer,
Some answer from above.
I sigh, a tear falls down a pale cheek,
As I wait for the storm of life to clear.
Until then I cry, "Wait here, stay here."
I'll wait for you, I'll stay here.
--Kerry Myers, 2006

OK, so retyping this, I started to wonder, how, when I was 16, I knew so much about how I would be at 18. A TON happened between when this was written + now, + I can honestly stay I still feel the same way. Crazy world.

Anyway, I'm done. You can all have your lives back now.

Lovingly,
Kerry.

Mood: BLAH.
Music: "Thanks for the Killer Game of Crisco Twister" -- Minus the Bear

Thunder + Tattoos.

There's a storm going on right now, but I unplugged my laptop so I'm okay. My shoulder is pretty sore right now because I got my first tattoo yesterday. Yay for body mods!!! I'm pretty excited to get my second tat already, which is going to be on my lower back. It's a treble clef + bass clef coming together in a heart, and it's going to say "Mon Premier Amour", which is "My First Love" in French. Music is such a huge part of my life, so to have a tat dedicated to that will be pretty damn amazing. The tat that I have now is a butterfly and two purple flowers. My BFF Amanda drew the original design, then Bob @ Stormi Steel redrew it, did the stencil, and all was said and done within two hours [EDIT: Butterflies also have huge personal meaning to me, always kind of have. And now moreso, ever since I read "The Patron Saint of Butterflies". Just for the record]. I absolutely love it, and I swear I'll never go anywhere else besides Stormi Steel for mods. I got my lip pierced there + it's beyond all expectations, and this tattoo has given me even more faith in the guys there. Plus, the prices are really reasonable [ex: my tat is about 3 inches x 3 inches, with a lot of shading + detail, and it only costed me 120 bucks, plus tip. My mom got hers @ Marc's, + it's tiny without a ton of detail, and it costed her 85. Hers is really nice, but I've got a special place in my heart for Stormi] and for a girl on a budget, that's good.

So yay for tattoos! I can't wait for number 2.

Bye,
Ker

Things That Kerry Myers is Scared Of

[In no particular order]:

1. The future.
2. Spiders.
3. Bees.
4. All clowns, except for Ronald McDonald.
5. Needles used for medical purposes [piercings + tattoos are okay].
6. Falling in love.
7. Falling out of love.
8. Having people fall in love with me.
9. War.
10. Running out of Arizona/Popsicles.
11. Dying alone.
12. People not returning my feelings.
13. One of my best friend's parents.
14. The dark [if I'm alone].

Just so you know.

BYE!
Kerry

Music: "Hey, Wanna Throw Up? Get Me Naked" -- Minus the Bear
Mood: Contemplative.

Tonight...

..at work was AMAZING. I still have fucking butterflies in my stomach.



Sighhhh....


Floatingly,
Kerry


Mood: Cloud 9
Music: "The Sound of White" -- Missy Higgins

So I Can't Sleep

And I just had a mild freak out because Blogger wouldn't accept my email address/password. It's over its issues now, but geez, I got worried. I wouldn't have to start over with this whole blogging thing.

Anyway, it exactly 1:37 AM on Friday, June 13 + I can't sleep. I don't know why. I just got my period [yay for too much information!] without any cramps or mood swings or any PMS type thing at all, which is REALLY unlike me. Maybe that's why I can't sleep. Geez. Work is going to suck tomorrow + I'm going to be really tired. At least I get to hang out with Steve after work. Steve is this really awesome guy I met at work + now we're dating + I was actually never this happy with Joe. Steve's kisses send me another planet + I REALLY can't get him off of my mind. He's pretty much amazing + I'm really glad we met.

This is a pointless blog, I know. But I'm loving the new laptop my daddy got me for graduation because my old one crashed a pretty long time ago. It was the BEST grad present ever. Geez. Gilmore Girls is on in the background + Paris makes me laugh.

I'm sorry I wasted all of your time with this blog. This kind of sounds creepy, but I miss the way Steve smells when he holds me in his arms. I'm a little bit head over heels for him.

Yours in Insomnia,
Ker

NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL!!!

Yup, that's right, I'm FINALLY a high school graduate. After spending the last six years of my life walking the halls of Meyers, it's over. I am now officially a Temple Owl, but God knows the BLUE + GOLD will always run through my veins + I will ALWAYS be a Meyers Mohawk at heart.

Senior year went FAST. It seems like yesterday it was my first day of senior year [or seventh grade...geez], but today, I walked out of Meyers with a diploma in my hand. I have changed, grown, and become the woman I am today inside those halls, and because of that - and many other aspects of course - I will never forget the place where I have spent the last six years. In my heart, I will cherish, steadfast FOREVER, Meyers High.

I really have mixed emotions about graduating. I am both happy and sad, but I really don't know which emotion rules my heart. I'm so excited to be done with high school, but at the same time, I am sad. I have had SO much of my life at Meyers that leaving there isn't just leaving behind teachers and classmates - it's leaving behind a family. MY family. These teachers are my parents, and my classmates, the brothers + sisters. We have fought, we have laughed, we have cried, and through it all, we have come out on top. We will always be a family, no matter what. And the teachers - I wouldn't have made it without them. A HUGE thanks to: Mrs. Lombardo [since EIGHTH GRADE...if anyone is closer to being my mom than my actual mom, it's her], Miss Rebo [THREE YEARS OF CHEM!!!], Peters [pah!], and of course, Mrs. Galante. I never would've made it without those four standing behind me + kicking my ass through high school + I truly appreciate everything they have given me. I love them all more than words could possibly express. And of course, my friends were witness to the changes, the growing up, the broken hearts, the endless laughs, the crazy trips, the crazy impulses, and everything in between. MY GIRLS [they know who they are] have truly defined what it means to be a best friend, and God knows I'll hold them close to my heart forever. While speaking of best friends, I also must talk about Brian. He's been my perspective, my kick in the butt, my constant source of laughter for the past few years. He's a best friend, and he always is there to cheer me up when I need it. Without him calming me down at 2 AM, I probably wouldn't be here anymore.

I think what I have gained most from high school is my strength. People have knocked me down + dragged me around, but baby, I ALWAYS get back up. I have drawn strength from the written word, and I busted my ass to get where I am today. So you can continue to bring me down, but just remember, when I get back up, I will do so with a vengeance.

High school has made me who I am. I am tough, strong, beautiful, educated, intelligent, talented, and confident, and all because of my six years at MHS. So to the ENTIRE Class of 2008, I offer my congratulations + a wish of success for the future. I know you will all do AMAZING THINGS. And remember:

STEADFAST FOREVER,
MEYERS HIGH!!!!

Yours in Mohawk Pride,
Kerry

BREAKTHROUGH!

I know what my novel is going to be about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




But I'm not telling. If you're that interested, and you want to contact me about it, feel free. Otherwise, wait until I get the synopsis up here.




Peace,
Kerry


Mood: Excited, inspired, and anxious.
Music: "I Want You" -- Savage Garden [classic!]

The Last Time [unedited]

The Last Time
By: Ker M.

Your face burns, but you don't know why. Is it the salt of your tears? Is it the humiliated blush creeping up your spinal column and manifesting itself in your cheekbones? Or is it the bruise that's slowly forming, a flower of purple and black extending from your lip up towards your eye.

You don't know, and you can't tell, but one thing is for certain. This is the last time it will ever end like this. His words fall on deaf ears now, his cries of remorse and the overused words of "Baby, please don't leave". You know it will end like this again if you stay. You want to leave, he blocks the door.

Years, this has been going on. And yet, you never said anything until now. You never once defied him, never spoke a word in your own defense. Family members and friends warned you time and time again, but you stayed. You always wanted to believe there was hope. You wanted to put some faith in humanity. But the faith is gone, the wick has burned and no more wax remains. You can't keep looking for something that isn't there.

The back door is open and you know that is your escape. With nothing but twenty three dollars in cash and the keys to the Mercedes, you leave. You have no clue where you'll end up, but you know that it will be anywhere but here.

You finally exhale. It can only get better from here.

------

Ok, so, IDK what was going on with THIS thought process. I guess "Hershey" deposited some subconscious hints. This could lead to a new novel idea. Who knows? You know you can check back for updates. I'll be here.

Love You!
Kerry

=]

I love my life + the people that I have in it now. My best friends are honestly my entire life. I'd be so far gone without them. Oh + Mrs. G. Wow, like seriously, I've known her about a month + it feels like forever. She's amazing. Read her books: "The Patron Saint of Butterflies" + "Hershey Herself" [which I read in two hours + 15 minutes]. It's so worth your time I promise.


BLAH.


I want to write another short story. I'm sick of not writing short stories. Maybe later.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I WANT MY BOOK TO GET HERE. On Sunday night, I ordered "Hershey Herself" [Mrs. Galante's second book] off of Amazon with my last ten bucks + I REALLY want it to get here. It shipped on Tuesday, so I HOPE that it will be here tomorrow. I'm SO anxious to read it.

Novel planning is coming along well, in case anybody's interested.

WEEKEND: Reading.
Monday: Full school day, reunion party =].
Tuesday: SKIPPING SCHOOL! Friendly's for our last crowd pleaser as seniors, then going to see Sex + the City.
Wednesday-Friday: Grad practice =P.
WEEKEND: No plans yet, but let's make some.
Monday: Moving-Up Day. Congrats to the Class of 2009!
TUESDAY JUNE 10: GRADUATION. CONGRATS TO THE CLASS OF 2008! WE FUCKING DID IT.

Peace Out,
Ker

Someone Should Buy Me a Laptop

NOVEL INSPIRATION!

I must write on a laptop. I can't write on a desktop. I have motherfugging mental issues.

By the way:
It's been exactly two months today [gasp] that Joe + I called it quits. I just sort of realized it + got upset. IDK why. He's moved on and I'm almost happy for him. I guess I want it to be me. I want to be the one he loves. I'm jealous, which is petty + pointless, but it's true. I miss his hugs + his kisses + the broken curfews + the games of DDR + laying on my bed + late night phone calls about nothing. I miss the way he got me flowers and teddy bears and coffee and blueberry bread. [EDIT: We also fought over stupid crap + he made me feel like shit sometimes. But I think the good outweighed the bad.] He was my first "real" love, and life hasn't been the same without him. I wish him the best, of course, but I also resent that his best isn't with me. Is that stupid? Am I immature? Or am I just healing? I wish I knew. But I think a part of me still loves that silly boy...

Sigh.

Also: FOUR FULL SCHOOL DAYS LEFT. Seriously. Graduation is June 10th. And I'm so scared. I was so excited to graduate, and then, all these emotions crashed down on me. I've gotten so close to people that I don't want to leave them behind, and I'm scared of college. Temple is HUGE + I'm afraid that I'm going to feel all alone.

DAMN YOU, MIXED FEELINGS!!!

Yours in Perpetual Confusion,
Ker

I Wanna Write Something!

But I have no inspiration. Or no clue what to write ABOUT. Gah.

I Want to Fall in Love

Or maybe I already have, but it's not the point. I miss being in a relationship. I guess today I realized that. Knoebels was awesome, but one part sucked. Ash + Dame and Vince + Em were all couple-y, + I guess I kinda got jealous. Not of them, but of what they have. I want love.

But nobody GETS me. It's really upsetting. My past has been so traumatic that I'm so hard to handle in a relationship. I blow up over little things and get jealous really easily. I'm afraid of physical intimacy, and if you don't take the time to understand me, I get really irritated.

I just want someone who will look past all that...


Sadly,
Kerry

My Hero Is....

Cecilia Galante. You have no clue how much she means to me at all.


Yup, that's all. KNOEBEL'S IN LESS THAN NINE HOURS! <3


All my Love,
Kerry

Oh + I'd Just Like to Add...

That yesterday I said I almost felt like something needed to go wrong because I was feeling so good.


OH THE FUCKING IRONY.

AP Chemistry + Car Accidents

Welcome, one and all, to one of the worst days of my life. It all started this morning. I woke up with butterflies in my stomach [not the good kind] because the AP Chemistry test. I was so totally unprepared. And from noon - 3:30 I proved it by skipping 40 multiple choice questions and kind of bombing the free-response. Woo-freakin-hoo. So yeah, as if that didn't suck enough for one day...

When I FINALLY got out of school, I headed to the C.U. to cash my paycheck. Well, turns out I forgot it at home because I cleaned out my purse this AM + had taken it out. So I was a little annoyed, but I decided to go home anyway + get it + then go cash it. OK, so I'm driving down Academy + I stop at the intersection of Franklin + Academy at the light. There was like 3 cars in front of me + I was just jamming to some tunage when BAM! this Ford Explorer hits me from behind. Well, I pretty much immediately felt pain go down my neck + back + I was pretty freaked out, so I started to cry + shake really bad. I couldn't even talk so the lady that hit me called 911 + these cops came in like 30 seconds. They were getting her license number + stuff + then asked me what was wrong. I told them I was in OODLES of pain (not using the word oodles, but you get the idea) so they radioed the medics + I waited for the ambulance to get there. When they did, they put a cervical collar on me, rolled me onto the backboard + took me to the ER. I had to have 16 [literally] X-Rays taken of my neck + back + then I waited for a good hour + a half before they told me I was okay to go. So I just have to take lots of Motrin + ice my back + neck for a few days until I feel better.

So basically, today sucked.

Peas,
[A Very Sore] Kerry

Time for an Update?

I guess so. Hmmm...

Two weeks until graduation. Yeah, seriously. I'M SO EXCITED. I can't wait to start at Temple and be away from petty drama. I can't wait to not tutor smart-ass seventh graders anymore + I REALLY want to move on.

I've been crazy happy lately. I think FINALLY writing "Route 61" has helped. That idea had been bugging me for a good four weeks, and now that it's out here I feel pretty good. I love the concept of it. I just love it in general. For real. + I LOVE THAT I HAVE READERS. Thanks to all the cool people who have emailed me + told me that they liked my work. You seriously have no clue how much it means.

Anyway, I'm so chill, it's amazing. I guess I'm feeling TOO good. Like I almost need something to go wrong. Not like I want it to.

OH BTW. Song of the week IS:
"Weeping" -- Josh Groban

I knew a man who lived in fear
It was huge, it was angry,
It was drawing near.
Behind his house a secret place
Was the shadow of the demon
He could never face.

He built a wall of steel and flame
And men with guns to keep it tame
Then standing back he made it plain
That the nightmare would never ever rise again
But the fear and the fire and the guns remain.

It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round I heard
It slowly sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping.

And then one day the neighbors came
They were curious to know about the smoke and flame
They stood around outside the wall
But of course there was nothing to be heard at all
"My friends," he said, "We've reached our goal
The threat is under firm control
As long as peace and order reign
I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain
Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain."

It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round I heard
It slowly sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping.

Say ah, say ah, say ah
Say ah, say ah, say ah

It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow

It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round I heard
It slowly sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping.

Say ah, say ah, say ah
Say ah, say ah, say ah

Peas + cream of cauliflower soup [it's DELICIOUS!],
Kerry <3

I Never Really Needed You + I Know It...

But thanks for making it obvious anyway.

Route 61 [unedited]

Route 61

By: Kerry Myers

I lost count. Somewhere between the thousandth cup of coffee and the four hundredth turkey and Swiss on rye, I forgot how many days I had spent here. It had been a long time. I knew the regulars by heart, I could make their orders in my sleep. I know that, rain or shine, Gus would come in at 4:30 every day and order a ham and cheese sandwich on wheat with mustard and a cup of hot tea. But one thing I didn’t know that I was dying to find out was when she would walk in to my diner.

This diner had slowly become my home over these countless days. I spent each and every day here, mostly because it was less depressing than my Leesport apartment. My apartment was dark and damp, and I hated it, but the rent was reasonable and the parking was free, so I stayed. It wasn’t like I had somewhere else to be. Besides, the Route 61 Diner attracted a colorful crowd. There were my regulars, God bless their hearts, but there were also the random folk driving through Reading on their way to wherever else they might be staying. The world shifted around me, yet I stood still. Movement wasn’t worth it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I couldn’t tell.

My life was never really like this. I always looked for adventure. I worked on a cruise line for a few years, but then I decided to change. I needed a change. After my last trip to Bermuda, that was evident. A girl changed my life. She showed me human nature at its worst and she showed me the true vulnerability of the human race. When her world crashed down on the very ship where I had spent so many months, I felt like I needed to leave. There was too much attached. Her pain was in every room. The endless tears, the screams, the sleepless nights. They were all there, and I couldn’t listen to the piercing laugh of happy travelers for one more minute. I handed in my resignation and moved away from the warm weather, into Pennsylvania where the four seasons are a bitter reality and there are far more clouds than sunshine. I came for a chance to see her again, to let her know, as I had so many times before, that I am always there. No matter what.

*

It had been one of those damn spring days in Pennsylvania. Optimistic and bright skies for the morning shift, and by the time the lunch stragglers were packing up, the clouds covered the baby blue of the sky. Great. More rain. I swear to God, if this state went underwater, I wouldn’t be surprised. It rained so much here. True, I was pretty much raised in a tropical climate, so I wasn’t particularly adjusted, but still, the amount of rain here was ridiculous. It was nearing the end of dinner time, a particularly busy Friday night. A car pulled up. Tourists, I assume. They drove a large SUV and I didn’t recognize the people getting out of the car. At least not immediately. Then, the back door swung open and a pair of legs climbed out, and then hands stuffing a green iPod into a black tote bag. And then the face, the face that I had dreamt about a million times in the past year. It was her.

*

I lost my composure, in that moment. My eyes immediately welled with tears when I saw those eyes again. I still saw the pain. The man she was with – I’m assuming her father – laughed and joked with her, and she laughed along, giving him a quick hug. However, the laughter in her voice seemed insincere, the pain in her eyes were the clouds hovering over the bright blue laughter. She wasn’t over it. She swore to me that she’d be okay, yet she never was. I felt betrayed, knowing how wrong it was. I wished I could talk to her, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if she had even told her father anything. And for me, a waitress in a diner that she’s never eaten in, to go and start talking to her as if we were old friends may be weird. She would explain herself, and she would hurt all over again. I couldn’t let her walk away again.

*

Sharon took her table. She ordered our breakfast special, despite the fact that it was almost 7 P.M. She obviously didn’t care, however, as she demolished the huge plate of eggs, bacon, sausage, and hash browns in about five minutes. I never remembered her as being such a voracious eater, and then again, when I knew her it had been three days after her world was ripped down. She was too busy rebuilding to eat.

*

I had to refill the iceberg lettuce on the salad bar. I decided then, I would let her know. I brushed her shoulder just barely with my fingertips, and she turned. I smiled at her, and, after a moment of realization, she smiled. I saw the happiness in her eyes, and it made this past year worth it. The sun outside began to break through the clouds. She was a magical girl.

NEW WRITING COMING SOON

Whenever I finish it, I'm posting my new short story [tentatively titled "Route 61"] here! Keep an eye out.

Lurv,
Ker.

Lashing Out

AM Gym has always been an interesting class. To me, it sets the tone for the day. Usually, I'm crabby in the morning, but walking around the bleachers energizes me. Or sometimes, a good release of emotions has the same effect.

A friend of mine - actually, a BEST friend [or so I thought] - kind of pissed me off Friday night, which was the night of my senior prom. As we all know, prom is huge deal. If you don't go, well, I mean, it's pretty much a mortal sin. I know it's insane, but that's just the way it goes. Dig? Yeah. + like most people, I want to have FUN at my prom - a great, drama-free night of dancing, food, + the occasional sip of alcohol. Unfortunately, although I did have a great time at my prom, someone crossed my line.

My date Donnie + I had always been acquaintances, but never great friends. Nothing against him or anything, but we just didn't talk. Recently [somewhere around my breakup with my Joe], we began to talk more and got friendlier. As friends, we decided to go to prom together, and all was well. My friends gave the usual "OOOOH Donnie's getting someeee!" jokes + we laughed, every single time. Then, all of a sudden, Kati decides she doesn't "approve" of my date [not like I care what she thinks - considering I almost hooked up with hers] because he may or may not have said things about her cousin. WHATEVER. Nikki is in Ohio + probably could care less about what people in good ol' W-B, PA are saying about her. That's just my guess. But, you know, people can't ever keep their mouths shut. So we had talked about it at lunch and she gave up on arguing with me. Yay. But then prom arrived....

Kati was hitching a ride with me + Donnie, which I thought was totally stupid. Her date ditched her, probably because she fucks with his head all the time, so she was going alone, therefore she thought she could come with me. Blah. Anyway, I asked her NICELY not to say anything to him about the past, just let it go so we can all have a good time. Well, about five minutes after we took pictures at Donnie's house, she started. I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable + I was starting to get pissed off, but she kept going. I didn't want to cause any drama, so I was quiet + let sleeping dogs lie. Well, whatever. We got to prom + she just ignored Donnie, which was fine by me. But THEN, she was a bitch to my friend Emilee's boyfriend. Vince is probably the nicest + most polite guy I've ever met + he makes Emilee really happy. HOWEVER, Kati doesn't like him because he's 27, which, by her saintly ways, is way too old for Emilee. Whatever, I could care less. But she told him [very rudely] to shut up + told him that nobody was talking to him. Ouch.

So this morning, I finally called her on her bullshit. She - of course - denied everything, even though I heard everything she said + knew it was all true. She cried her eyes out + tried to make people feel sorry for her, which people did, which is ridiculous. When Sabrina [Emilee's cousin + another best friend] asked me why Kati was crying, I told her what had happened. Everyone agreed with me, so I don't think I'm at fault.

Not like I'd care if I was. I said what needed to be said, + I'm content.

Bye!
Kerry

Kate Nash Read My Mind When She Wrote This Song

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something


I want -that person- to feel this way about me. Dear God in Heaven, make it happen? I hate that God can't mess with free will. But only sometimes. Wow, I'm feeling musical tonight. I rarely find myself so deeply in music. But then there are those songs that so perfectly describe me, I'm kind of floored. Current list:

"Nicest Thing" -- Kate Nash [as seen above, bitches].
"A Song For Her" -- My Last Goodbye
"Stay Close, Don't Go" -- Secondhand Serenade
"They Weren't There" -- Missy Higgins
+ of course
"40 oz to Freedom" -- Sublime
Gotta love 'em. Hmm...falling in love sucks. Falling in love with someone who's taken sucks more. Having someone toy with you sucks even worse. And when all three come together. BLAH!

Life is a crazy little contraption, ain't it?

Peas,
Ker

Sprained Ankles + Wandering Minds

This week has been crazy. Last Monday at work, I slipped + fell + sprained up my ankle pretty good. Yay for Ace bandages, lots of ice + rainbow-colored ankles. Just kidding. It totally sucks. The pain is somewhat unbearable + I'm not really taking care of it as well as I should be, but I'll survive. I always do.

Prom was on Friday. It was amazing + probably the best night of my life, but in a way, it was bittersweet. I mean, it kind of hit me that there's only a month left until graduation + then high school is over. Nothing will be what it's been for the past six years. I LOVE the idea of college + moving on, but so many people that have shaped my life will still be in W-B while I'm gone in Philly. It's scary. I guess. I kind of have some mixed emotions right now.

Love sucks. I think I've mentioned that once or twice. I love somebody, right. It's somebody I've fought with in the past alot. + because I'm terrified of starting another fight, I don't want to bring up something that's bothering. But this person, IDK if they're messing with me or whatever, but this person is seeing someone. And I know it. But ... we still flirt. + IDK, they say they love me. It's crazy + IDK what to think about that either.

I'm a nut, I know.

Peas,
Ker.

Listening to: "Everything" -- Michael Buble
Mood: Crazy =]

Everything is Wonderful Now

Wow. Yesterday + today were great days FOR ONCE.

Yesterday - I got inspiration for the novel. IT'S BAD. I'm not going to start writing til summer, but I'm planning. Oh + bad as in dirty, not as in a bad idea. LOL. Also...Haley + I finally talked! Thank you Dear God in Heaven. I'm not going into all the details here, because that's between her + I, but to have her back in my life...you have no idea how happy that makes me. She's one of the greatest people in the world + having her just makes everything okay. I know, it sounds a little extreme, but if you understood what happened...then you'd understand my reaction. I<3uHaley!

Hmmm...

Today - I got a higher score on my chem test than I thought (YES I AM HAPPY ABOUT MY 39/102, DON'T TRY TO BRING ME DOWN) I aced my AP practice essay in English, I went tanning, got to hang with Emilee + I finally got new studs for my lip, which are pretty pastel-y colors + I love them.

So pretty much, things are going good AGAIN. I'm really happy. You have no idea how long I've waited to feel happy =].

Peas,
Ker.

Listening to: "North East" -- Fievel Goes West (myspace.com/fgwpa)
Mood: Happy! =D

I Wish I Was a Writer!

This morning, during Philosophy class, I was reading The Scop (King's literary magazine) + I got really interested in alot of the poetry. I wish I was inspired right now! I wanna write so BAD. But I almost have a novel idea. GO ME!


"Cool + Seductive"

A cigarette nestled between your lips.
You inhale long + hard.
It's your first breath of fresh air
all week.
Relax.
Let it sink in.
Wait...
Let go.
Pale, wispy smoke curls
out of your mouth,
out of your nose,
Climbs slowly upward...
Dances with the chandelier
just for a moment
before getting sucked into
the ventilation.
Soon to be followed by
a second ribbon....
and countless more
woven in with liquid conversation
and a cold cup of coffee.
--Jenna O

From the Scop. Great, amazing, excellent poem.

Religion?

So in the past year, I've done a LOT of self-examination. I've been through more than most people would care about. It has turned me into everything I love + hate, including my least favorite activity -- becoming WAY less tolerant of others around me. The only people I keep close to me are my mom, dad, stepparents + my seven best friends.

And in the metaphysical sense, God.

I haven't been to church since Christmas + I've actually never felt closer to God. Instead of trying to constantly please people at my church - as terrible as that sounds, my church was all about who you knew + what you did - I have had time to rebuild + repair my somewhat damaged relationship with God.

I HATED my church. I grew up there, I had roots there, I had friends + ex-boyfriends + music there. It was my life for a long time. But then....my Dad moved two hours away, *something* happened to me, I found love, I doubted everything in my life + I stopped going to church. I was sick of the hypocrisy, the total lack of concern for others. As long as you were satisfied, everyone else should be too. It sounds so bad. I hate talking about people that have been closer than my family like this, but....I don't know. I guess it was time for me to move on. I finally realized the phoniness of the whole establishment + I couldn't take it anymore.

My time away from church has taught me a lot. I never truly believed in the power of God until I stopped looking in scripture + the hymns. I began to see Him in everyday life, in the trees, the clouds, the sunshine, the rain. I saw His gifts through music + through the people that helped me through the most difficult time in my life. + when I felt like everything was crashing through to the ground, He brought me Megan [my hero to this day] the woman who told me that "God makes everything okay in the end. If it's not okay....then it's not the end." That phrase has gotten me through every single bad day I've had since then, and I know that He sent me Megan to make my life a little bit easier from then on out. He showed me that obstacles are merely challenges with great reawards + that giving up is NEVER the way to an eternal life.

However, some people [+ here I am alluding to the two adults known as my parents] don't agree with my very PERSONAL decision. My mother - raised as a strict Catholic - believes that not going to church equals not believing in God. I'm not sure WHY she doesn't accept my decision and I really don't care, but the more that she pushes me towards church, the less I want to go. True, there are those Sundays that I wake up + think "Hey, maybe I should go to church today", but less than five minutes later, I've changed my mind back. Church does NOTHING for me anymore + sitting there pretending to raptly pay attention takes more effort than absolutely necessary. My father takes the same stance of my mother, however, he does not push me as much as she does.

Don't get me wrong - I do not dislike organized religion. I just didn't like the situation my church was presenting me with. A memorable incident - I had a copy of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" in my purse during youth group + my instructor saw it + proceeded to tell me that "It's okay to read it, as long as you don't BELIEVE anything in it." That statement made me sick. Was someone honestly sitting there telling me what to believe? That's not faith. Faith is believing what you choose based on your own experiences. I couldn't grow as a follower in an environment like that. It was just...wrong.

Anyway, this was just something random I felt needed to be out there. If it sparks discussion, so be it. If not, that's fine too. I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.

Peace + carrots,
Ker

An Explanation

Last night, my world fell apart. Completely. I cried harder than I have in years. I dug into my arm with the nearest thing I could find -- a dull push pin sitting on the computer desk next to me. And why would I do this? Why would I resort to hurting myself...what can make a person feel that extreme measure of pain?

Let me do a quick rewind. For six months (September '07 - March '08) I dedicated to my life to someone who obviously couldn't care less. He hurt me more times that I can count, went behind my back, and betrayed my trust. But time after time after time I took him back. I found in my heart forgiveness for all his deeds + decided that if I tried again....it might work out.

I was wrong. He crossed my line for the last time + I ended it. I miss him....more than words can say. But as of 10:35 AM on April 22, 2008, I am too vulnerable + fragile to continue. I have put my heart on my sleeve too many times + now, my heart is rusted, sore + out of order. It's going back on its shelf for a while.

So I will be distant...for a long time. I'm not looking for love. I'm merely searching for survival.

I Make Profound Comments Sometimes

X DramaticOne X (9:58:44 PM): yanno...maybe this is pointless. for 21 days i've been trying to get something that i really don't deserve. but idk, i'm in love, + love makes you do stupid things. so maybe i should quit. i'm just hurting myself in the end. right?


Maybe, Ker, you should throw in the towel. Because love hurts too much.

The Probability of Me Giving a Shit...

So blah, it's another fascinating day in the life of me. I'm bored as hell. I'm sitting in probability + statistics class (AKA math for the mathematically challenged) using the school's laptops to update my blog. I have an iPod in my left ear and the voice of Patrick Stump serenading me + my bracelets keep clacking against the cheap plastic of the computer. YAWN. I hate life lately. It's so monotonous.


HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL GRADUATION?!!?!?!!?!?!!?


The probability of someone reading this and caring is 0.0000001 percent. See, I DID learn something this year. I also learned that lip piercings are NOT allowed in MHS + that when the bell rings at 11:45 and 11:55, it is NOT the end of class, so I shouldn't bother looking at the clock.

But guess what? I just did.


So anyway, I have senioritis. BAD. I really don't care about classes anymore. Isn't that terrible? These overly enthusiastic teachers are slaving away + lecturing to classes that couldn't care less. We graduate in less than two months. SCHOOL is the last thing on our minds. For example: here's what's on my mind:

1. Singing along with "A Twist in My Story" + listening to John Vesely's beautiful voice. If you have no idea who Secondhand Serenade IS go to my MySpace (myspace.com/frenchgrlkerry) + find him on my top friends. You won't be sorry.
2. Vacation in July.
3. Temple in the fall.
4. Knoebel's + Alligator Bites.
5. The fact that my Vitamin Water is all gone + I'm thirsty.
6. When "The Patron Saint of Butterflies" - the book that I just ordered off of Amazon (by successfully bypassing the school's "security" features) which was written by an English teacher at my school - will ship to my house.

So honestly, I don't care about class. I can't wait to go home + write some journals based on The Book of If. Then I'll go to work, come home + completely ignore my chemistry homework.


Don't you see how predictable life has become? It's almost scary.


XO,
Kerry

A Random Rambling

I really can’t wait to get out of this city + move on with my life. AND I WANT TO GET A TATTOO + MY MOTORCYCLE LICENSE.

This is just kind of an update, or a senseless rambling, or something...

Anywhoooo.... everyone knows that Joe + I are over, which has kind of sent me into an emotional upheaval. I hate the fact that he’s gone out of my life, but I don’t know, I guess I have to move on, yes? I’m going to be tougher from now on. I’m not going to cry unless a limb is severed from my body. Because you know what, I’m BETTER THAN THIS. People have been telling me this for years, that I’m above what everyone has put me through. And now, at eighteen years, three months, and seventeen days old, I FINALLY believe them. I’m not allowing anything to affect me or the way I live my life anymore. I’ve spent too many years/months/weeks/days crying over what coulda/shoulda/woulda been. I’m PAST that part of my life now. I am strong + beautiful + brave + if you wanna test me by throwing more shit at me, GO RIGHT AHEAD. I FUCKING DARE YOU. I know who my real friends are [HI to Z-Lo, FAO, K-Town, Brian, Amanda, Krystal -- MY SIX BEST FRIENDS] + I wouldn’t fucking trade one of them for anything. THEY’VE BEEN THERE THROUGH IT ALL. No fucking lies.

I want to concentrate so much on music + writing now, it’s literally all I think about. I want to play guitar + put all these songs I’ve written to music + record it + make a music MySpace. It’s not like I’m looking for a record deal, but I just want to get my voice out there, y’know? And writing - I HAVE TO BE PUBLISHED BEFORE I DIE. I’m going to start a novel soon, because NaNoWriMo inspired me to. Just no crazy deadlines this time + I’ll be good. I plan to work on it all through college + then get published. Cool? I think so. Poetry too...I’m gonna focus more on that. I’m also going to focus on LAW, because duh, I’m going to Temple to study that =D. I feel invincible + I want to do EVERYTHING. I’m totally starting a non-profit organization when I’m a lawyer too, to benefit victims of sexual assault + rape. Kind of like the Joyful Heart Foundation (GOOGLE it), but on a smaller scale. I’m kickass, I know.

Today I decided two things: I want a tat + a motorcycle license. The tattoo I’ve wanted forever, but my mom + I talked about it today + she’s getting a Celtic cross + I think I’m getting a Celtic cross with the claddagh symbol in the center. IRISH PRIDE. Motorcycle thing? Don’t ask, just randomness. I won’t want it in a week, probably.

ANYWAY, Life is fucking good now. I LOVE IT.


OH -- + when I start writing this beautiful novel, I'm posting excerpts here. REJOICE.