Sadness

I hate being sad.
I try to tell myself I don't mind it, but when my mouth gets the certain taste of tears and the back of my eyes start to hurt because I'm holding back tears, I hate it.

I hate when I'm in a store and about to cry.
I hate when I want someone to hug me and listen to me, but no one's there.

I hate sadness.
...

-K

KENNY JONES :)<3

He is BY FAR the SEXIEST man on Temple's campus. Yes, I am talking about the one, the ONLY, Mr. Phi Beta Sigma HIMSELF, Kenny Jones, also known as the RD of Hardwick Hall, also known as the one and only true love of my life.

For real. You don't understand how much I love him. His emails about suspension of guest privileges brighten up my day. AND THEY COME PRETTY OFTEN. And basically, his smiley faces after threats are really cute, just like him.

ALSO, I love when I see him eating in J + H. I almost get as excited as I do when I see Big Rob. <333

But as great as Kenny Jones is, Jonathan will ALWAYS have ALL of my heart.

-K :)
P.S. - I hope you can notice the sarcasm in this entry.

7:35 AM

I'm awake.
I was sneezing, which means my allergies are acting up. I hate sneezing. I think it's probably the grossest thing ever, because I sneeze like 47 times in a row and it's gross and wakes me up. The left side of my jaw hurts as well.

Well, yesterday, I realized that my writing situation has been going terribly. Because I'll sit down, write some pages [usually 15 or 20] of something that is PROBABLY looking very good, then I start thinking about it, hate it, and erase it. Jesus.

...

I've always gotta be cute.

So today, I found out from my latest round of blood work that I have hypothyroidism. Because of this, I will be on lifetime therapy with pills. Also, I'm required to wear a medical alert bracelet, because the medication schedule is kind of sick and if - heaven forbid - I'm in an accident or something, the doctors need to know what kind of medication I take.

Well, I've seen med alert bracelets and they're ugly. So I spent the better part of two hours online today searching for a cute one. My thoughts: If I have to wear one all the time, it might as well be cute! My mother doesn't understand me, but she's nuts anyway. LOL.

XO,
Kerry

New Year, New Me?

Since college has started, I have become delinquent in many aspects of my life, those being writing, blogging, eating more than once a day, maintaining a normal sleeping schedule, and talking to people besides my sorority sisters and my mom. However, I have become a champion of all-nighters in the TECH center, mental breakdowns [three of four major ones in the fall semester, and as minor one once a week or so], coffee drinking, chain-smoking, and fatigue.

Today, I found out that TSH [some thyroid hormone] was well above the normal level, which, as my nurse/mother tells me, is an indicator of hypothyroidism. Now, I know nothing about medicine, but I do know that this could mean medication for the rest of my life. I don't like it. Not at all. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it upsets me nonetheless. I cried for a good hour about it today.

I've been thinking a lot about attempting to write a book again. It's been a long time since I've sat down at my computer with the intention of using my God-given gift for writing to form a story instead of an IM, email, or post on a message board. I miss the feeling I get when I'm writing - all my anxiety and frustrations come out in MS Word, and even if it sucks when I'm done, I at least had it all out of my body. Writing helps me make sense of my thoughts in the way that nothing else can. Sure, Facebook passes the time and my late-night AIM conversations are truly epic, but there's nothing like the sound of frantic typing while I'm in my pajamas with a messy ponytail and a cup of coffee. It's truly better than any therapy I've ever experienced.

For me, becoming a writer was a lot like learning to drive. I started majorly pursuing both at the same time - somewhere immediately after my 16th birthday. When I first learned to drive, it was awkward and scary. The car would be in constant jerking motion from my hesitance to take my foot off the brake and just go. Now, after having my license for a while and quite a bit of behind the wheel experience, I don't have to think about driving anymore. I don't have to have the constant thought process of "Brake, gas, indicator, brake, turn, gas, stop, go." I just drive, and somewhere in my subconscious, I know what to do. I can go months without driving while I'm away at school, and when I come back, the fundamental things still apply. I still know what to do. It feels as though the same is with writing - I may have been on a break for a while, but I still know how to do it. It's still somewhere within me. I don't think it will ever go away - at least, I hope it doesn't.

So maybe a new year doesn't bring a new me. Maybe it's the old me going back to my old ways. Back when I didn't smoke, back when I didn't rely on others for my happiness, and back when I knew just what was right for me. And sure, the traditional resolutions are there - lose a few pounds, don't smoke, be happy - but the one that I'm looking for most is the one that tells me to follow my heart and just write. It's the simplest thing, but it's the most important.

Until next time,
Kerry