An Explanation

Last night, my world fell apart. Completely. I cried harder than I have in years. I dug into my arm with the nearest thing I could find -- a dull push pin sitting on the computer desk next to me. And why would I do this? Why would I resort to hurting myself...what can make a person feel that extreme measure of pain?

Let me do a quick rewind. For six months (September '07 - March '08) I dedicated to my life to someone who obviously couldn't care less. He hurt me more times that I can count, went behind my back, and betrayed my trust. But time after time after time I took him back. I found in my heart forgiveness for all his deeds + decided that if I tried again....it might work out.

I was wrong. He crossed my line for the last time + I ended it. I miss him....more than words can say. But as of 10:35 AM on April 22, 2008, I am too vulnerable + fragile to continue. I have put my heart on my sleeve too many times + now, my heart is rusted, sore + out of order. It's going back on its shelf for a while.

So I will be distant...for a long time. I'm not looking for love. I'm merely searching for survival.