Religion?

So in the past year, I've done a LOT of self-examination. I've been through more than most people would care about. It has turned me into everything I love + hate, including my least favorite activity -- becoming WAY less tolerant of others around me. The only people I keep close to me are my mom, dad, stepparents + my seven best friends.

And in the metaphysical sense, God.

I haven't been to church since Christmas + I've actually never felt closer to God. Instead of trying to constantly please people at my church - as terrible as that sounds, my church was all about who you knew + what you did - I have had time to rebuild + repair my somewhat damaged relationship with God.

I HATED my church. I grew up there, I had roots there, I had friends + ex-boyfriends + music there. It was my life for a long time. But then....my Dad moved two hours away, *something* happened to me, I found love, I doubted everything in my life + I stopped going to church. I was sick of the hypocrisy, the total lack of concern for others. As long as you were satisfied, everyone else should be too. It sounds so bad. I hate talking about people that have been closer than my family like this, but....I don't know. I guess it was time for me to move on. I finally realized the phoniness of the whole establishment + I couldn't take it anymore.

My time away from church has taught me a lot. I never truly believed in the power of God until I stopped looking in scripture + the hymns. I began to see Him in everyday life, in the trees, the clouds, the sunshine, the rain. I saw His gifts through music + through the people that helped me through the most difficult time in my life. + when I felt like everything was crashing through to the ground, He brought me Megan [my hero to this day] the woman who told me that "God makes everything okay in the end. If it's not okay....then it's not the end." That phrase has gotten me through every single bad day I've had since then, and I know that He sent me Megan to make my life a little bit easier from then on out. He showed me that obstacles are merely challenges with great reawards + that giving up is NEVER the way to an eternal life.

However, some people [+ here I am alluding to the two adults known as my parents] don't agree with my very PERSONAL decision. My mother - raised as a strict Catholic - believes that not going to church equals not believing in God. I'm not sure WHY she doesn't accept my decision and I really don't care, but the more that she pushes me towards church, the less I want to go. True, there are those Sundays that I wake up + think "Hey, maybe I should go to church today", but less than five minutes later, I've changed my mind back. Church does NOTHING for me anymore + sitting there pretending to raptly pay attention takes more effort than absolutely necessary. My father takes the same stance of my mother, however, he does not push me as much as she does.

Don't get me wrong - I do not dislike organized religion. I just didn't like the situation my church was presenting me with. A memorable incident - I had a copy of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" in my purse during youth group + my instructor saw it + proceeded to tell me that "It's okay to read it, as long as you don't BELIEVE anything in it." That statement made me sick. Was someone honestly sitting there telling me what to believe? That's not faith. Faith is believing what you choose based on your own experiences. I couldn't grow as a follower in an environment like that. It was just...wrong.

Anyway, this was just something random I felt needed to be out there. If it sparks discussion, so be it. If not, that's fine too. I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.

Peace + carrots,
Ker