Wow. Yesterday + today were great days FOR ONCE.
Yesterday - I got inspiration for the novel. IT'S BAD. I'm not going to start writing til summer, but I'm planning. Oh + bad as in dirty, not as in a bad idea. LOL. Also...Haley + I finally talked! Thank you Dear God in Heaven. I'm not going into all the details here, because that's between her + I, but to have her back in my life...you have no idea how happy that makes me. She's one of the greatest people in the world + having her just makes everything okay. I know, it sounds a little extreme, but if you understood what happened...then you'd understand my reaction. I<3uHaley!
Hmmm...
Today - I got a higher score on my chem test than I thought (YES I AM HAPPY ABOUT MY 39/102, DON'T TRY TO BRING ME DOWN) I aced my AP practice essay in English, I went tanning, got to hang with Emilee + I finally got new studs for my lip, which are pretty pastel-y colors + I love them.
So pretty much, things are going good AGAIN. I'm really happy. You have no idea how long I've waited to feel happy =].
Peas,
Ker.
Listening to: "North East" -- Fievel Goes West (myspace.com/fgwpa)
Mood: Happy! =D
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
I Wish I Was a Writer!
This morning, during Philosophy class, I was reading The Scop (King's literary magazine) + I got really interested in alot of the poetry. I wish I was inspired right now! I wanna write so BAD. But I almost have a novel idea. GO ME!
"Cool + Seductive"
A cigarette nestled between your lips.
You inhale long + hard.
It's your first breath of fresh air
all week.
Relax.
Let it sink in.
Wait...
Let go.
Pale, wispy smoke curls
out of your mouth,
out of your nose,
Climbs slowly upward...
Dances with the chandelier
just for a moment
before getting sucked into
the ventilation.
Soon to be followed by
a second ribbon....
and countless more
woven in with liquid conversation
and a cold cup of coffee.
--Jenna O
From the Scop. Great, amazing, excellent poem.
"Cool + Seductive"
A cigarette nestled between your lips.
You inhale long + hard.
It's your first breath of fresh air
all week.
Relax.
Let it sink in.
Wait...
Let go.
Pale, wispy smoke curls
out of your mouth,
out of your nose,
Climbs slowly upward...
Dances with the chandelier
just for a moment
before getting sucked into
the ventilation.
Soon to be followed by
a second ribbon....
and countless more
woven in with liquid conversation
and a cold cup of coffee.
--Jenna O
From the Scop. Great, amazing, excellent poem.
Religion?
So in the past year, I've done a LOT of self-examination. I've been through more than most people would care about. It has turned me into everything I love + hate, including my least favorite activity -- becoming WAY less tolerant of others around me. The only people I keep close to me are my mom, dad, stepparents + my seven best friends.
And in the metaphysical sense, God.
I haven't been to church since Christmas + I've actually never felt closer to God. Instead of trying to constantly please people at my church - as terrible as that sounds, my church was all about who you knew + what you did - I have had time to rebuild + repair my somewhat damaged relationship with God.
I HATED my church. I grew up there, I had roots there, I had friends + ex-boyfriends + music there. It was my life for a long time. But then....my Dad moved two hours away, *something* happened to me, I found love, I doubted everything in my life + I stopped going to church. I was sick of the hypocrisy, the total lack of concern for others. As long as you were satisfied, everyone else should be too. It sounds so bad. I hate talking about people that have been closer than my family like this, but....I don't know. I guess it was time for me to move on. I finally realized the phoniness of the whole establishment + I couldn't take it anymore.
My time away from church has taught me a lot. I never truly believed in the power of God until I stopped looking in scripture + the hymns. I began to see Him in everyday life, in the trees, the clouds, the sunshine, the rain. I saw His gifts through music + through the people that helped me through the most difficult time in my life. + when I felt like everything was crashing through to the ground, He brought me Megan [my hero to this day] the woman who told me that "God makes everything okay in the end. If it's not okay....then it's not the end." That phrase has gotten me through every single bad day I've had since then, and I know that He sent me Megan to make my life a little bit easier from then on out. He showed me that obstacles are merely challenges with great reawards + that giving up is NEVER the way to an eternal life.
However, some people [+ here I am alluding to the two adults known as my parents] don't agree with my very PERSONAL decision. My mother - raised as a strict Catholic - believes that not going to church equals not believing in God. I'm not sure WHY she doesn't accept my decision and I really don't care, but the more that she pushes me towards church, the less I want to go. True, there are those Sundays that I wake up + think "Hey, maybe I should go to church today", but less than five minutes later, I've changed my mind back. Church does NOTHING for me anymore + sitting there pretending to raptly pay attention takes more effort than absolutely necessary. My father takes the same stance of my mother, however, he does not push me as much as she does.
Don't get me wrong - I do not dislike organized religion. I just didn't like the situation my church was presenting me with. A memorable incident - I had a copy of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" in my purse during youth group + my instructor saw it + proceeded to tell me that "It's okay to read it, as long as you don't BELIEVE anything in it." That statement made me sick. Was someone honestly sitting there telling me what to believe? That's not faith. Faith is believing what you choose based on your own experiences. I couldn't grow as a follower in an environment like that. It was just...wrong.
Anyway, this was just something random I felt needed to be out there. If it sparks discussion, so be it. If not, that's fine too. I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.
Peace + carrots,
Ker
And in the metaphysical sense, God.
I haven't been to church since Christmas + I've actually never felt closer to God. Instead of trying to constantly please people at my church - as terrible as that sounds, my church was all about who you knew + what you did - I have had time to rebuild + repair my somewhat damaged relationship with God.
I HATED my church. I grew up there, I had roots there, I had friends + ex-boyfriends + music there. It was my life for a long time. But then....my Dad moved two hours away, *something* happened to me, I found love, I doubted everything in my life + I stopped going to church. I was sick of the hypocrisy, the total lack of concern for others. As long as you were satisfied, everyone else should be too. It sounds so bad. I hate talking about people that have been closer than my family like this, but....I don't know. I guess it was time for me to move on. I finally realized the phoniness of the whole establishment + I couldn't take it anymore.
My time away from church has taught me a lot. I never truly believed in the power of God until I stopped looking in scripture + the hymns. I began to see Him in everyday life, in the trees, the clouds, the sunshine, the rain. I saw His gifts through music + through the people that helped me through the most difficult time in my life. + when I felt like everything was crashing through to the ground, He brought me Megan [my hero to this day] the woman who told me that "God makes everything okay in the end. If it's not okay....then it's not the end." That phrase has gotten me through every single bad day I've had since then, and I know that He sent me Megan to make my life a little bit easier from then on out. He showed me that obstacles are merely challenges with great reawards + that giving up is NEVER the way to an eternal life.
However, some people [+ here I am alluding to the two adults known as my parents] don't agree with my very PERSONAL decision. My mother - raised as a strict Catholic - believes that not going to church equals not believing in God. I'm not sure WHY she doesn't accept my decision and I really don't care, but the more that she pushes me towards church, the less I want to go. True, there are those Sundays that I wake up + think "Hey, maybe I should go to church today", but less than five minutes later, I've changed my mind back. Church does NOTHING for me anymore + sitting there pretending to raptly pay attention takes more effort than absolutely necessary. My father takes the same stance of my mother, however, he does not push me as much as she does.
Don't get me wrong - I do not dislike organized religion. I just didn't like the situation my church was presenting me with. A memorable incident - I had a copy of Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code" in my purse during youth group + my instructor saw it + proceeded to tell me that "It's okay to read it, as long as you don't BELIEVE anything in it." That statement made me sick. Was someone honestly sitting there telling me what to believe? That's not faith. Faith is believing what you choose based on your own experiences. I couldn't grow as a follower in an environment like that. It was just...wrong.
Anyway, this was just something random I felt needed to be out there. If it sparks discussion, so be it. If not, that's fine too. I just couldn't keep it inside anymore.
Peace + carrots,
Ker
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
An Explanation
Last night, my world fell apart. Completely. I cried harder than I have in years. I dug into my arm with the nearest thing I could find -- a dull push pin sitting on the computer desk next to me. And why would I do this? Why would I resort to hurting myself...what can make a person feel that extreme measure of pain?
Let me do a quick rewind. For six months (September '07 - March '08) I dedicated to my life to someone who obviously couldn't care less. He hurt me more times that I can count, went behind my back, and betrayed my trust. But time after time after time I took him back. I found in my heart forgiveness for all his deeds + decided that if I tried again....it might work out.
I was wrong. He crossed my line for the last time + I ended it. I miss him....more than words can say. But as of 10:35 AM on April 22, 2008, I am too vulnerable + fragile to continue. I have put my heart on my sleeve too many times + now, my heart is rusted, sore + out of order. It's going back on its shelf for a while.
So I will be distant...for a long time. I'm not looking for love. I'm merely searching for survival.
Let me do a quick rewind. For six months (September '07 - March '08) I dedicated to my life to someone who obviously couldn't care less. He hurt me more times that I can count, went behind my back, and betrayed my trust. But time after time after time I took him back. I found in my heart forgiveness for all his deeds + decided that if I tried again....it might work out.
I was wrong. He crossed my line for the last time + I ended it. I miss him....more than words can say. But as of 10:35 AM on April 22, 2008, I am too vulnerable + fragile to continue. I have put my heart on my sleeve too many times + now, my heart is rusted, sore + out of order. It's going back on its shelf for a while.
So I will be distant...for a long time. I'm not looking for love. I'm merely searching for survival.
Monday, April 21, 2008
I Make Profound Comments Sometimes
X DramaticOne X (9:58:44 PM) : yanno...maybe this is pointless. for 21 days i've been trying to get something that i really don't deserve. but idk, i'm in love, + love makes you do stupid things. so maybe i should quit. i'm just hurting myself in the end. right?
Maybe, Ker, you should throw in the towel. Because love hurts too much.
Maybe, Ker, you should throw in the towel. Because love hurts too much.
The Probability of Me Giving a Shit...
So blah, it's another fascinating day in the life of me. I'm bored as hell. I'm sitting in probability + statistics class (AKA math for the mathematically challenged) using the school's laptops to update my blog. I have an iPod in my left ear and the voice of Patrick Stump serenading me + my bracelets keep clacking against the cheap plastic of the computer. YAWN. I hate life lately. It's so monotonous.
HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL GRADUATION?!!?!?!!?!?!!?
The probability of someone reading this and caring is 0.0000001 percent. See, I DID learn something this year. I also learned that lip piercings are NOT allowed in MHS + that when the bell rings at 11:45 and 11:55, it is NOT the end of class, so I shouldn't bother looking at the clock.
But guess what? I just did.
So anyway, I have senioritis. BAD. I really don't care about classes anymore. Isn't that terrible? These overly enthusiastic teachers are slaving away + lecturing to classes that couldn't care less. We graduate in less than two months. SCHOOL is the last thing on our minds. For example: here's what's on my mind:
1. Singing along with "A Twist in My Story" + listening to John Vesely's beautiful voice. If you have no idea who Secondhand Serenade IS go to my MySpace (myspace.com/frenchgrlkerry) + find him on my top friends. You won't be sorry.
2. Vacation in July.
3. Temple in the fall.
4. Knoebel's + Alligator Bites.
5. The fact that my Vitamin Water is all gone + I'm thirsty.
6. When "The Patron Saint of Butterflies" - the book that I just ordered off of Amazon (by successfully bypassing the school's "security" features) which was written by an English teacher at my school - will ship to my house.
So honestly, I don't care about class. I can't wait to go home + write some journals based on The Book of If. Then I'll go to work, come home + completely ignore my chemistry homework.
Don't you see how predictable life has become? It's almost scary.
XO,
Kerry
HOW MUCH LONGER UNTIL GRADUATION?!!?!?!!?!?!!?
The probability of someone reading this and caring is 0.0000001 percent. See, I DID learn something this year. I also learned that lip piercings are NOT allowed in MHS + that when the bell rings at 11:45 and 11:55, it is NOT the end of class, so I shouldn't bother looking at the clock.
But guess what? I just did.
So anyway, I have senioritis. BAD. I really don't care about classes anymore. Isn't that terrible? These overly enthusiastic teachers are slaving away + lecturing to classes that couldn't care less. We graduate in less than two months. SCHOOL is the last thing on our minds. For example: here's what's on my mind:
1. Singing along with "A Twist in My Story" + listening to John Vesely's beautiful voice. If you have no idea who Secondhand Serenade IS go to my MySpace (myspace.com/frenchgrlkerry) + find him on my top friends. You won't be sorry.
2. Vacation in July.
3. Temple in the fall.
4. Knoebel's + Alligator Bites.
5. The fact that my Vitamin Water is all gone + I'm thirsty.
6. When "The Patron Saint of Butterflies" - the book that I just ordered off of Amazon (by successfully bypassing the school's "security" features) which was written by an English teacher at my school - will ship to my house.
So honestly, I don't care about class. I can't wait to go home + write some journals based on The Book of If. Then I'll go to work, come home + completely ignore my chemistry homework.
Don't you see how predictable life has become? It's almost scary.
XO,
Kerry
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
A Random Rambling
I really can’t wait to get out of this city + move on with my life. AND I WANT TO GET A TATTOO + MY MOTORCYCLE LICENSE.
This is just kind of an update, or a senseless rambling, or something...
Anywhoooo.... everyone knows that Joe + I are over, which has kind of sent me into an emotional upheaval. I hate the fact that he’s gone out of my life, but I don’t know, I guess I have to move on, yes? I’m going to be tougher from now on. I’m not going to cry unless a limb is severed from my body. Because you know what, I’m BETTER THAN THIS. People have been telling me this for years, that I’m above what everyone has put me through. And now, at eighteen years, three months, and seventeen days old, I FINALLY believe them. I’m not allowing anything to affect me or the way I live my life anymore. I’ve spent too many years/months/weeks/days crying over what coulda/shoulda/woulda been. I’m PAST that part of my life now. I am strong + beautiful + brave + if you wanna test me by throwing more shit at me, GO RIGHT AHEAD. I FUCKING DARE YOU. I know who my real friends are [HI to Z-Lo, FAO, K-Town, Brian, Amanda, Krystal -- MY SIX BEST FRIENDS] + I wouldn’t fucking trade one of them for anything. THEY’VE BEEN THERE THROUGH IT ALL. No fucking lies.
I want to concentrate so much on music + writing now, it’s literally all I think about. I want to play guitar + put all these songs I’ve written to music + record it + make a music MySpace. It’s not like I’m looking for a record deal, but I just want to get my voice out there, y’know? And writing - I HAVE TO BE PUBLISHED BEFORE I DIE. I’m going to start a novel soon, because NaNoWriMo inspired me to. Just no crazy deadlines this time + I’ll be good. I plan to work on it all through college + then get published. Cool? I think so. Poetry too...I’m gonna focus more on that. I’m also going to focus on LAW, because duh, I’m going to Temple to study that =D. I feel invincible + I want to do EVERYTHING. I’m totally starting a non-profit organization when I’m a lawyer too, to benefit victims of sexual assault + rape. Kind of like the Joyful Heart Foundation (GOOGLE it), but on a smaller scale. I’m kickass, I know.
Today I decided two things: I want a tat + a motorcycle license. The tattoo I’ve wanted forever, but my mom + I talked about it today + she’s getting a Celtic cross + I think I’m getting a Celtic cross with the claddagh symbol in the center. IRISH PRIDE. Motorcycle thing? Don’t ask, just randomness. I won’t want it in a week, probably.
ANYWAY, Life is fucking good now. I LOVE IT.
OH -- + when I start writing this beautiful novel, I'm posting excerpts here. REJOICE.
This is just kind of an update, or a senseless rambling, or something...
Anywhoooo.... everyone knows that Joe + I are over, which has kind of sent me into an emotional upheaval. I hate the fact that he’s gone out of my life, but I don’t know, I guess I have to move on, yes? I’m going to be tougher from now on. I’m not going to cry unless a limb is severed from my body. Because you know what, I’m BETTER THAN THIS. People have been telling me this for years, that I’m above what everyone has put me through. And now, at eighteen years, three months, and seventeen days old, I FINALLY believe them. I’m not allowing anything to affect me or the way I live my life anymore. I’ve spent too many years/months/weeks/days crying over what coulda/shoulda/woulda been. I’m PAST that part of my life now. I am strong + beautiful + brave + if you wanna test me by throwing more shit at me, GO RIGHT AHEAD. I FUCKING DARE YOU. I know who my real friends are [HI to Z-Lo, FAO, K-Town, Brian, Amanda, Krystal -- MY SIX BEST FRIENDS] + I wouldn’t fucking trade one of them for anything. THEY’VE BEEN THERE THROUGH IT ALL. No fucking lies.
I want to concentrate so much on music + writing now, it’s literally all I think about. I want to play guitar + put all these songs I’ve written to music + record it + make a music MySpace. It’s not like I’m looking for a record deal, but I just want to get my voice out there, y’know? And writing - I HAVE TO BE PUBLISHED BEFORE I DIE. I’m going to start a novel soon, because NaNoWriMo inspired me to. Just no crazy deadlines this time + I’ll be good. I plan to work on it all through college + then get published. Cool? I think so. Poetry too...I’m gonna focus more on that. I’m also going to focus on LAW, because duh, I’m going to Temple to study that =D. I feel invincible + I want to do EVERYTHING. I’m totally starting a non-profit organization when I’m a lawyer too, to benefit victims of sexual assault + rape. Kind of like the Joyful Heart Foundation (GOOGLE it), but on a smaller scale. I’m kickass, I know.
Today I decided two things: I want a tat + a motorcycle license. The tattoo I’ve wanted forever, but my mom + I talked about it today + she’s getting a Celtic cross + I think I’m getting a Celtic cross with the claddagh symbol in the center. IRISH PRIDE. Motorcycle thing? Don’t ask, just randomness. I won’t want it in a week, probably.
ANYWAY, Life is fucking good now. I LOVE IT.
OH -- + when I start writing this beautiful novel, I'm posting excerpts here. REJOICE.
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